We have all seen the memes about women choosing the longest cucumber at the grocery store to take home as their nightly fun. While you may THINK that a cucumber or a banana or a popsicle would make great sex toys because they are rather phallic shaped, the truth is food should never, ever be put up the vagina! Especially food with sugar because the sugar will react with the body’s natural yeast and make it overgrow to the point of a nasty infection. Not to mention food items can break off up there and make for an embarrassing trip to the ER. Also, it needs to be said that NOTHING should ever go up the anal anal that is not designed for that type of play.
Yes, there are wood dildos, but these are sanded and sealed to avoid any nasty splintering of the wood. When you choose a standard wood object, such as a hairbrush handle, a spatula, or any other cylindrical wood object you stand the chance of it splintering and causing rips or tears in your vagina. OUCH!
Any and all curling irons should be avoided for vaginal or anal penetration. Firstly, curling irons open to wrap around the hair. That little ledge between the iron and the hair plate can catch inside of you and hurt. Secondly, hair pieces, hair spray, or any other remnants from your hair products can accumulate on the rod making it unsanitary for vaginal use.
If you have searched around in your husband’s tool bench you have likely seen many objects that you believe would work as a sex toy in a pinch. Let me just say that these tools are not the tools you need. A garage is not a clean place to be, and these tools have been used all over the place from the car, to the basement, to the plumbing. ICK! Unsanitary! Beware and leave those tools in his box, not in yours.
I had a friend once who used one of those large sharpie markers, the really thick ones, for an impromptu dildo. She was going along fine until she orgasmed and clenched down. She clenched hard enough to squeeze the lid off. So, imagine her surprise when the marker came out, but the lid stayed in! Luckily, she was able to fish the lid out herself. Markers, pencils and the like are touched by people’s hands, not easy to sterilize, and can result in unusual snafus.
I cannot tell you how many porno movies I have seen where a woman seductively puts a wine bottle into her vagina as a show for her lover. Let me tell you from experience, this is a bad, bad idea. Not wine bottles, not beer bottles – no bottles. Firstly, bottles are made of glass. Glass which can break or have chips that can cut you pretty badly inside. Which is what happened to me. Not fun. Secondly, as with the food warning, wine and beer have sugars in them which can make for a nasty infection. Just stick to drinking the wine, not using the bottle.
Speaking of porno themed sex toys, have you ever seen those fetish films where high heeled shoes (the toe or the heel) are placed up inside of a woman? Well I have, and I am hear to tell you, anything that you WALK outside on the ground in is a bad, bad idea to place up inside yourself. I don’t care how much of a foot fetish someone has, keep those shoes on your feet!
On Instagram I subscribe to a woman who works in an ER and she occasionally posts X-Ray pictures of the objects people have lost up their rectums. Last week it was a jar candle. One of those small, sample sized ones. Got sucked right up in there and wouldn’t come out. Candles, of any kind, should not be inserted into the body. Tapered candles can break off, break in half, or can leech into the vaginal tissue as things heat up. Leave the candles for the ambiance people!
No, not the entire vacuum, just the hose. I have written about how a vacuum placed precariously about an inch from vaginal lips can provide some very stimulating sensations. Just make sure NOT to put it too close or things may get sucked in. Also, men should NEVER, ever place their penis in the vacuum hose. Once your penis starts to get stimulated it will grow. Plus, the vacuum will basically make it even larger. Which means, it may not be so easy to get out once put in.
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Yes, remote controls are used to turn televisions on, but should you use them to turn YOU on? The answer is NO. Not only are they bigger than they seem, and have harsh corners, they also harbor a lot of germs! They are touched by everyone in the household, walked on by the pets, and fall into the couch cushions landing in no one knows what. Plus, the last thing you want is your mother-in-law asking what that “white film is” on the TV remote. Skip and Fast Forward past this idea.